There is Only One Place to Find God

(Published but unfinished and unrevised – please remember that when you read it )

It is always interesting hearing how you fit into other people’s narratives, especially how they make sense of the portions of your own life that seem so mysterious.  It is also a great source of entertainment for my soul to hear these stories from others.  I love to hear how I am, because I have never met the man.  I never cease to be amazed at the stories I hear about myself and those close to me, the things I think, and the things I subscribe to.  I have never heard such things.  And that makes them all the more interesting.

What is also interesting in all of this is how much my own interpretation of my narrative life plays a distinct part in understanding where I am and where I am going.  I am a student of history.  I did my college work in a sort of philosophical fury.  And, if I reflect on who I am as a direct result of who I have been, I find myself losing my own image.  I can certainly finagle the narrative to lead to where I am, but I find that the narrative does not fit quite as prettily as I’d like.  I find myself almost as two different characters, with two different narratives, but both written by the same author.  There are overtones, and hold-overs, but there is a radical mystery to who I am now, that my past does not reveal to me.  This is my feeling of course, your narrative of my life is no doubt more accurate.

I find that the life I now live is a life, not of trying to forget, but of fading darkness.  I don’t mean by this that somehow I feel holier.  This is far from my meaning.  In fact, I find myself more and more aware of just how far from holiness I am.  The reality though is that I find myself, though not nearly as much as I’d like, choosing the present to the past and my imaginations (which is what I will call the future).

Living in the past, in memories, is a lot like they portray it in the movies.  Hazy around the edges, slightly dark, and never really quite what happened.  I am always perplexed by my memory because it has the ability to conflate images into one place, or one time, or even one image.  I will remember a day early in marriage, but see my daughter there.  Impossible!  Memories in this way can become moments, for me, in which fantasy creates memorabilia and not memories.

The future (or imaginations of a life not mine) are even more ridiculous because the parameters are not set by reality or the people that are imagined.  Crazy things can come to my mind. My mind is adept at measuring everything in terms determined by it, and when it feels that it has sufficiently measured the present, it proposes a future that can be had with just a little discontent.

The present, however, is where all the persons that I love are located.  Not a projection of my own psyche, but fellowship, indwelling, rising and falling emotions, and the glorious ride of being a parent, spouse, friend, coworker, and co-laborer.  In those few moments when the present is open to me, when fantasy has flown away, I find a glorious heaven where my heart leaps from its cavity to envelope the vast, the infinite moment.  These are moments of lucidity.

I have sought after God in many ways in my life.  My schooling taught me to view God as one might mathematics, a dissection or sentence diagram.  His existence was a matter of fact and meant to be studied as such.  Never having doubted God’s existence seriously, I encountered God in my church in my teen years as someone who constantly catered to me in order to get through to me.  He apparently was perfectly fine with who I was, and I was the conglomeration of all of my actions and attitudes.  I am me.

I sought after God in many ways in my life.  A huge chasm forming in my soul, I began to find people who knew a thing or two about the whole Bible.  They spoke of the great acts of God in one breath.  I became a student for God.  I studied diligently and sought to apply my mind to the things of God’s word.  There was no end to the reading, criticism of words and ideas, and no conversation not worth having.  There was no debate that did not interest me. Truth would come out of it, you know?  I studied and I learned, and I taught and I preached.  A methodist, but no Methodist, I preached a method of reading the Scriptures and a method of thinking about life in terms of that interpretation.  I believed that the truth was growing clearer, and that the dialectic was proving salvific.

I sought after God in many ways in my life.  Great pain came upon me.  It was a pain that I cannot describe.  I realized that I had betrayed myself.  My learning had betrayed my learning and rather than looking in the face of God, I was looking at the faces of men who, lying to each other, were set on figuring out how I was lying to them.  I was in the den, the inner circle, and no amount of conspiracy theorizing could do it justice.  Here I stood a student, as unsure internally as I appeared convinced externally, going toe to toe with men who admittedly were wrong about much, but not about their definition of God.

(Published but unfinished and unrevised)

I Died

I had one of those weird occurrences in life last night.  I dreamed the same dream as I dreamed before.  Its a really bothersome dream, though.  In it, I am preparing to speak in front of people at a conference or something, and when I go up to speak my heart gives out and I die.  In my previous episode, I found out that the cause of death was a weak valve wall in the left ventricle of my heart (yes it is that specific! but, no I have no idea of cardiac anatomy so it could totally be made up).   In last night’s episode, I was aware that I was going to die when I made the speech.  It was clear that I could not avoid the moment, and I began to make plans.  My priest was there and I asked if there was anything I should do first.  He responded “You need to go to confession.”  I awoke to a 3 year old in my bedroom in need of a new night-time diaper and the dream ended there.

I went to Divine Liturgy this morning and was overwhelmed by this dream.  Must take in each moment as a chance to grow in Christ.  I don’t have much time.

Spiritual Blindness

25. A man with his physical eyes knows when it is day and when night, but a blind man does not know one from the other. So with a man whose spiritual eyes are opened and who has inner sight with them; if, once he has seen the true and everlasting light, he returns to his former blindness and becomes deprived of light through careless and negligence, he feels deeply, when in a right state, the loss of this light and is not ignorant of the reason why he suffered this deprivation. But, a man blind from birth (spiritually) can know nothing either from experience or from its action. It is only by hearsay that he may learn of what he has never seen, and begin to tell others of it. although neither he nor his listeners have any true knowledge of the things tey are discussing.

29. A man given to arguing becomes for himself a double-edged swordl he destroys his soul, without knowing it, and renders it alien to eternal life.

- St. Symeon the New Theologian

St. Peter of Damascus – Making Room for God

“…purifying himself as much as he can, [the humble man] struggles to make room in himself for the Beloved for whom he longs. And the Beloved for whom he longs, finding room for Himself in this man, takes up His abode there…Dwelling there, He protects His home, and fills it with light. And the person thus filled with light knows and, knowing, he is known…”

St. Peter of Damascus.

Good News? (John 7)

His [Jesus'] brothers therefore said to Him, “Depart from here and go into Judea, that Your disciples also may see the works that You are doing.  For no one does anything in secret while he himself seeks to be known openly. If You do these things, show Yourself to the world.”  For even His brothers did not believe in Him.  Then Jesus said to them, “My time has not yet come, but your time is always ready. ⁷ The world cannot hate you, but it hates Me because I testify of it that its works are evil.”

Most of us would take it as good news that we are not hated by people.  However, it is clear in this passage that our Lord does not share the same opinion.

His brothers give him the same advice most of us would give, and actual advice I have heard on a number of occasions since becoming Orthodox.  I am often lured into my old ways of arguing about right and wrong and the theological niceties of New Testament religion, Old Testament typology, or Christian dogmatics by well-meaning inquirers of my faith.  My desire to defend my faith, my Church, or my Christ dwells mostly with my desire to be vindicated.  It is always my time because it always a good time to gain the upper hand.

Jesus’ way is a contrary road.  The world can’t hate us because in as much as we insist on sin as a way of life, we are actually friends of the world, one with the world, part of the whole lot of the suffering children of Adam crying out for deliverance from our taskmaster death.  Jesus, however, is the Son of God.  He does not seek his own.  He does not seek publicity or to be leader of a movement.  His brothers say, “For no one does anything in secret while he himself seeks to be known openly,” and Jesus replies, “[The world] hates Me because I testify of it that its works are evil.  Jesus does not testify that its works are evil by his preaching, or his movement.  It is the Lord’s silence, His humility, His not seeking vindication, His desire to carry the load of the world than to be carried on the shoulders of the world.  The Lord does not go out to be seen and heard, but His presence testifies that such things are the way of the world, the way of the devil and the way of death.

Interestingly, to those who believe in Christ, God has given the power to become sons of God, and therefore to take up this life.  A life that shuns vindication, and accepts silence.  A life that flees from the spotlight, and runs for the candle-light.  A life the runs from celebrity, and longs for humility

Answered Prayer

I’m not sure if its just because I am a bad Christian, or because I am merely human, but answered prayer always strikes me funny. It makes me think, “That is an answer to my prayers. But, it so minor, perhaps its just as coincidence?” I don’t know why I think this, because I believe in God and His love. It just never fails that I am tempted toward an atheistic mechanistic explanation. I’m thankful for this for many reasons, not least of all because the temptation allows me to exercise my faith and grow in Christ. But, what hit me today was rather different. I am beginning to believe that prayer is the means by which God has allowed us to co-work with Him to transfigure our lives.

Now in one sense this is obvious. Prayer is the means by which we receive the grace of God, and all the things that He has for us. However, His universal love and providence raises still another reality though. God is governing our lives with His love whether we are prayerful or not. In addition, He gives good things to all regardless of their love for Him. In many ways then God’s goodness precedes our prayer, and so therefore it is possible that the things for which we ask God are actually already going to be given us long before we pray. Of course, this is all true. None of this is new to anyone.

What struck me today is that prayer gives us eyes to see God’s providential care for us. Rightly understood prayer is Christ in us crying out to His Father. Praying the Psalms really teaches this. Thus, prayer allows us, guided by the Spirit, to see how God is acting and what He is doing in the smaller details. Without prayer, we are merely a small boat in the sea of random occurrences, but through prayer we are able to realize that the sea can be passed on foot, that we can walk in the midst of these things and not be tossed about. Does God answer prayer? Yes. But it is also true that prayer itself is the answer of God.

It is through prayer that a mysterious world is made a place of wonder, rather than a place fear. It is through prayer that our frightening world is made a calm sea through the voice of God.  It is through prayer that we become united to God.

Singing the Psalms like someone else

Reading the Psalms is a spiritual surgical tool.  I constantly find myself unable to say the prayers as my own, and praying for my own destruction as I go.  It is very hard for me to validly consider myself on God’s side of the Spiritual battle as the Psalms make abundantly clear that I am far from like Him who pleases God.  Many people are attracted to the Psalms for comfort, but I am discomforted by them as much I am comforted.  I am joyful for Christ’s election, but I am sorrowful that I am so unworthy to sing the Psalms of the kingdom

I am in the midst of a battle for my soul, and am on-the-job training as well.  I am completely outmatched by the forces that war against me, and yet I know that He who is with us is greater than them who are for them.  My angel works diligently, and much credit should go to God for his work.  He is wise in his dealings with me letting me receive only as much attack as I need to humble myself, and never the great brunt of it which I am certain he takes on himself.  I merely can say my prayers.

In Liturgy today I became more aware of this than I have ever been before.  From time to time I struggle with distraction-temptations.  Sometimes they are as simple as thinking about my day, or something I need to do, or how nicely someone is singing.  Other times I battle extremely disgusting thoughts of things I would never do, these are extraordinarily strange and make me disgusted with myself for them even coming into my mind.  But, when I experience them I realize that sin really does dwell in me, and there is a great deal of healing that needs to occur.  But, in addition to this, it is very apparent that I need to become the Psalms, and in order to pray them I must become someone else.   I need to the pray the Psalms like Christ, that Christ dwelling in me, these battles will vanquished by His cross.

Venerable Nilus the Myrrhgusher of Mt Athos

Commemorated on November 12

Saint Nilus the Myrrh-Gusher of Mt Athos was born in Greece, in a village named for St Peter, in the Zakoneia diocese. He was raised by his uncle, the hieromonk Macarius. Having attained the age of maturity, he received monastic tonsure and was found worthy of ordination to hierodeacon, and then to hieromonk.

The desire for greater monastic struggles brought uncle and nephew to Mt Athos, where Macarius and Nilus lived in asceticism at a place called the Holy Rocks. Upon the repose of St Macarius, the venerable Nilus, aflame with zeal for even more intense spiritual efforts, found an isolated place almost inaccessible for any living thing. Upon his departure to the Lord in 1651, St Nilus was glorified by an abundant flow of curative myrrh, for which Christians journeyed from the most distant lands of the East.

St Nilus has left a remarkably accurate prophecy concerning the state of the Church in the mid-twentieth century, and a description of the people of that time. Among the inventions he predicted are the telephone, airplane, and submarine. He also warned that people’s minds would be clouded by carnal passions, “and dishonor and lawlessness will grow stronger.” Men would not be distinguishable from women because of their “shamelessness of dress and style of hair.” St Nilus lamented that Christian pastors, bishops and priests, would become vain men, and that the morals and traditions of the Church would change. Few pious and God-fearing pastors would remain, and many people would stray from the right path because no one would instruct them

What Makes Trials Profitable? – St. Peter of Damascus

“Every tribulation that we accept patiently is good and profitable; but if we do not accept it patiently, it drives us away from God and serves no useful purpose.”

The Threat of Beauty – Relections on Psalm 80

But My people heard not My voice, and Israel gave no heed unto Me. And I let them go according to the ways of their hearts; they shall walk in their own ways. If My people had heard of Me, if Israel had walked in My ways, Quickly would I have humbled their enemies, and upon their oppressors would I have laid My hand. The enemies of the Lord have lied unto Him, but in that age their time shall come. And He fed them with the fat of the wheat, and with honey out of the rock He satisfied them.

Today has been a day of rough readings.  This morning in Matins was the gospel reading from Luke 12, (what follows is but a portion)

Then He also said to the multitudes, “Whenever you see a cloud rising out of the west, immediately you say, ‘A shower is coming’; and so it is. And when you see the south wind blow, you say, ‘There will be hot weather’; and there is. Hypocrites! You can discern the face of the sky and of the earth, but how is it you do not discern this time? “Yes, and why, even of yourselves, do you not judge what is right? When you go with your adversary to the magistrate, make every effort along the way to settle with him, lest he drag you to the judge, the judge deliver you to the officer, and the officer throw you into prison. I tell you, you shall not depart from there till you have paid the very last mite.”

These two passages of readings for the day go together to form a  beautiful image of God, but also present something of a fearful possibility.  We see God in both passages as a loving Father, patient to utmost.  The Psalm covers the actual transgression of Israel, the Gospel covers the possibility of a grievance being settled between two countryment, and in both God does not appear angry, heavy handed, ready to condemn, or even desirous that anyone be condemned in His sight.  In fact, coupled together it does not appear that it is God that does the condemning.