Unworthiness

The cycle of services in the Orthodox Church have a profound effect on me.  I am always amazed by the impossible-to-communicate enlightenment and regeneration that I receive simply by being present.  But, I had one such moment that gave me a communicable message, and I don’t ever wanna forget it.  So Blog!

I am unworthy.  For all the sin that I have committed, and continue to commit, I am unworthy of the Church.  I am unworthy to come into the presence of the community of God’s people, unworthy to stand in the presence of the saints, unworthy to stand in the presence of the Theotokos, not to mention the obvious unworthiness to stand in the presence of Christ and the Holy Trinity.  Still, I am commanded and compelled to come into their presence, and driven to a deeper sense of unworthiness.

Still I am unworthy to walk out of the Church.  To come into the presence of all those things which praise God.  The Sun and Moon, the stars, the grass that stands in his presence, the waves that clap in praise, the animals, the plants, all of them are more deserving than me to be here.  I have wronged them all, and continually wrong them by seeking my own will and disrupting the beauty of the world with my laziness, forgetfulness, faint-heartedness, and stony insensibility.  And yet, I have no choice, God grants me life anew and wake up to the light He created, to a family that He has blessed (of which I am unworthy), in a home that I do not deserve, in a world in which I am as much a bane to as a boon.

I am unworthy, and yet God has given it my eyes, to my ears, to my hands, to my tongue, to my nose to enjoy and to make more beautiful and more glorious (a task for which I am unworthy).  But…God who is at work in me is worthy of it all, and as His doulos (a title of which I am unworthy) I work in the hopes that I will understand my unworthiness.

Glory be to God