Reading the Psalms is a spiritual surgical tool.  I constantly find myself unable to say the prayers as my own, and praying for my own destruction as I go.  It is very hard for me to validly consider myself on God’s side of the Spiritual battle as the Psalms make abundantly clear that I am far from like Him who pleases God.  Many people are attracted to the Psalms for comfort, but I am discomforted by them as much I am comforted.  I am joyful for Christ’s election, but I am sorrowful that I am so unworthy to sing the Psalms of the kingdom

I am in the midst of a battle for my soul, and am on-the-job training as well.  I am completely outmatched by the forces that war against me, and yet I know that He who is with us is greater than them who are for them.  My angel works diligently, and much credit should go to God for his work.  He is wise in his dealings with me letting me receive only as much attack as I need to humble myself, and never the great brunt of it which I am certain he takes on himself.  I merely can say my prayers.

In Liturgy today I became more aware of this than I have ever been before.  From time to time I struggle with distraction-temptations.  Sometimes they are as simple as thinking about my day, or something I need to do, or how nicely someone is singing.  Other times I battle extremely disgusting thoughts of things I would never do, these are extraordinarily strange and make me disgusted with myself for them even coming into my mind.  But, when I experience them I realize that sin really does dwell in me, and there is a great deal of healing that needs to occur.  But, in addition to this, it is very apparent that I need to become the Psalms, and in order to pray them I must become someone else.   I need to the pray the Psalms like Christ, that Christ dwelling in me, these battles will vanquished by His cross.

Commemorated on November 12

Saint Nilus the Myrrh-Gusher of Mt Athos was born in Greece, in a village named for St Peter, in the Zakoneia diocese. He was raised by his uncle, the hieromonk Macarius. Having attained the age of maturity, he received monastic tonsure and was found worthy of ordination to hierodeacon, and then to hieromonk.

The desire for greater monastic struggles brought uncle and nephew to Mt Athos, where Macarius and Nilus lived in asceticism at a place called the Holy Rocks. Upon the repose of St Macarius, the venerable Nilus, aflame with zeal for even more intense spiritual efforts, found an isolated place almost inaccessible for any living thing. Upon his departure to the Lord in 1651, St Nilus was glorified by an abundant flow of curative myrrh, for which Christians journeyed from the most distant lands of the East.

St Nilus has left a remarkably accurate prophecy concerning the state of the Church in the mid-twentieth century, and a description of the people of that time. Among the inventions he predicted are the telephone, airplane, and submarine. He also warned that people’s minds would be clouded by carnal passions, “and dishonor and lawlessness will grow stronger.” Men would not be distinguishable from women because of their “shamelessness of dress and style of hair.” St Nilus lamented that Christian pastors, bishops and priests, would become vain men, and that the morals and traditions of the Church would change. Few pious and God-fearing pastors would remain, and many people would stray from the right path because no one would instruct them

“Every tribulation that we accept patiently is good and profitable; but if we do not accept it patiently, it drives us away from God and serves no useful purpose.”

But My people heard not My voice, and Israel gave no heed unto Me. And I let them go according to the ways of their hearts; they shall walk in their own ways. If My people had heard of Me, if Israel had walked in My ways, Quickly would I have humbled their enemies, and upon their oppressors would I have laid My hand. The enemies of the Lord have lied unto Him, but in that age their time shall come. And He fed them with the fat of the wheat, and with honey out of the rock He satisfied them.

Today has been a day of rough readings.  This morning in Matins was the gospel reading from Luke 12, (what follows is but a portion)

Then He also said to the multitudes, “Whenever you see a cloud rising out of the west, immediately you say, ‘A shower is coming’; and so it is. And when you see the south wind blow, you say, ‘There will be hot weather’; and there is. Hypocrites! You can discern the face of the sky and of the earth, but how is it you do not discern this time? “Yes, and why, even of yourselves, do you not judge what is right? When you go with your adversary to the magistrate, make every effort along the way to settle with him, lest he drag you to the judge, the judge deliver you to the officer, and the officer throw you into prison. I tell you, you shall not depart from there till you have paid the very last mite.”

These two passages of readings for the day go together to form a  beautiful image of God, but also present something of a fearful possibility.  We see God in both passages as a loving Father, patient to utmost.  The Psalm covers the actual transgression of Israel, the Gospel covers the possibility of a grievance being settled between two countryment, and in both God does not appear angry, heavy handed, ready to condemn, or even desirous that anyone be condemned in His sight.  In fact, coupled together it does not appear that it is God that does the condemning.

I have understood this gospel passage in the past to refer to being thrown in Hell to pay God back for my offenses, where in the world I came up with that interpretation only God knows (and knows it wasn’t Him).  The passage is very clear that we are responsible to one another to forgive one another and to work toward forgiveness for these things.  On the last day, we will either accuse or excuse one another.  And if we have injured our brother, and not settled the matter, the judge will give us over to the officer.  But, the Psalm explains this in more simple terms as God says, ” I let them go according to the ways of their hearts.”  It is not that Hell is a place where we pay God back for our offenses against Him, but the end result of a heart that chooses its own way, the unforgiving way, and God fulfills its final desire.

The passage is no less frightening however.  In fact it could be dreadfully worse!  God will judge us according to our own standard of forgiveness.  He is not egotistical and is not stuck on how we have hurt him from time to time.  He is interested in the state of our soul and whether we are communing with Him as He is present in the least of His creations, or whether we desire to disintegrate into complete and total abandonment of personhood.  The threat is not that He will throw our sorry soul in Hell, it is that He would give us what we have wanted all along.  It is the fear that he would leave us to harbor resentment, to destroy ourselves within ourselves, to please our own perversities.  God would not desire this, but His children do oddly enough.

These passages present to us a God who loves us, who will not let us go, unless we want to go.  In this case, to His own pain, he permits us to be who we want to be.  What a beautiful Father we have!  He tells us how to be everything He intends for us to be, and carries us along by His grace.  But the threat of beauty remains.  Will we walk away so as to never behold the beauty again.  Cameras and the fine arts are man’s means of keeping the beauty of a thing before his or her own eyes, lest the beauty escape and not be realized, appreciated, or indwelt in the future.  These photos allow us to avoid the threat of beauty, and to enjoy the beauty of God’s creation.  There is also a means of doing this spiritually so that where ever we may go, and what ever we may do, we might always behold the beauty, but how many of us seek this tool as much as we seek that tool which captures the physical?  How many of us truly seek the pure heart that shall see God?  And if we will not, then God speaks this of us, “I let them go according to the ways of their hearts,” and the beauty of God goes unrealized, unappreciated, and distant by own choice.

Thus God came into our world, becoming one of us, so that by His sharing in our life, we might have a share in His life. In Holy Baptism we are united to Him, and everything else He gives us in the Life of His Church, is for the purpose of strengthening, nurturing, and renewing this Life within us. All of the sacraments have this as their focus. It is the primary purpose of prayer.

Thus, stated simply, to have communion with God means to have a share in His Divine Life. He lives in me and I in Him. I come to know God even as I know myself. I come to love even as God loves because it is His love that dwells in me. I come to forgive as God forgives because it His mercy that dwells within me.

Without such an understanding of communion, these vitally important parts of the Christian life usually become reduced to mere moralisms. We are told to love our enemies as though it were a simple moral obligation. Instead, we love our enemies because God loves our enemies, and we want to live in the Life of God. We’re not trying to be good, or to prove anything to God by loving our enemies. It is simply the case that if the Love of God dwells in us, then we will love as God loves.

Of course all of this is the free gift of God, though living daily in communion with God is difficult. The disease of broken communion that was so long at work in us is difficult to cure. It takes time and we must be patient with ourselves and our broken humanity – though never using this as an excuse not to seek the healing that God gives.

- Father Stephen Freeman

“The signs that a person has patience and humility are tears, contrition of soul before God, flight into stillness and patient recourse to God, a diligent enquiry into the Scriptures and a desire, based on faith, to accomplish God’s purpose. When, on the other hand, a person lacks patience and humility, the signs of this are doubt with regards to God’s help, being ashamed to ask questions humbly, avoidance of stillness and the reading of Scripture, a love of distraction and of human company, with the idea – entirely misguided – that one will attain a state of repose in this way.”

St. Peter of Damascus.

Today has been an eventful day.  We had a hierarchical liturgy, before which some good friends of mine were chrismated, and during which our sub-deacon was ordained a deacon.  There is so much on my mind today that I can hardly keep my mind focused on one subject about which I want to write.  But the convergence of all of these great things brought to my mind a number of things.  I hope to post a number of posts today, but I just had to make this my first.

Last night, Emmy was having a hard time understanding prayers and such, and why we talk about talking to Jesus.  She said, “Jesus isn’t really real really.”  I could tell what she meant.  It wasn’t that He was a cartoon or imaginary, but the thought all of us have had from time to time “why do I spend this time talking with no audible response.”  It seems strange considering every day normal discourse never takes this form.  But, there were  a number of lessons for she and I to learn, and todays liturgy solidified them all

1. God likes playing hide and seek.  God is humble, and He loves us.  These two things mix together in a peculiar way in the life of a creature seeking his/her God and the relationship for which the soul longs.  Being humble He is not easy to find.  Partly because we people, especially here in America, are not humble enough to understand the kind of humility the does not want to be a disturbance, an attraction, or an exhibit.  We cannot understand that there could be a God so humble that He cannot be seen or heard often.  He doesn’t seek a spotlight and He doesn’t desire being the object of people’s pride.  He generally remains hard to find, but not because He is unapproachable or distant, but because the seekers are not seeking a humble God and they miss Him when He shows up.  They go for the one in kingly robes, and pass by the child laid in the feeding trough.

The flip side of this is that He loves us.  Not only is He humble and therefore easy to miss, He also loves us and desires that we be saved.  “Saved” as a word bothers me these days because it almost always stands in the mind for “go to heaven when you die.”  But, God does not desire that we go to heaven when we die primarily, as far as I can tell.  God desires that we be saved, that we be redeemed, that we achieve in ourselves what we were created to be.  He desires that we achieve passionless love and self-emptying life.  It is by hiding that He draws this out of us.  When He hides from our eyes, a child-like faith says, “ready or not here I come.” It is thus through His hiding that we are spurred on to grow, to seek after Him, to love Him.  It is by this game of hide and seek that we are wooed into love by our glorious creator.  Some of us from time to time – I am chief of sinners – get to the point where we feel His hiding place is just too good and we just don’t have what it takes to find Him.  We claim He is too hard to please, too distant, or most terribly angry at us and taking His revenge.  But, this is simply not the case.  He sits in His place whispering to us “you are getting colder, colder…you’re freezing!”  He lures us back into hide and seek.  And just when we think we have looked everywhere…we find Him.  We are aroused with love, faith and hope, and then, with this desire rekindled He begins again to woo us in still greater ways.  His ultimate goal is to woo us into total love with Him, and if we appreciate His love it is downright exciting.

2. Being Orthodox, ordinations are rather strange.  The soon-to-be-ordained person stands in front of the people, with his back to them, looking at an icon for about 45 minutes (and that’s a conservative estimate).  The priests and Bishop worship the Lord, and walk by Him as though he isn’t there.  Suddenly they acknowledged him, washed their hands with his help, and left him again for at least 15 minutes.  It is strange to me, this being my first ordination service.  But it occurred to me today, that this is the lesson I gave to Emmy last night as well.  We stand before the icon of Christ, praying, seeking God and as time passes we wonder, “what in the world is going on!”  We pray, and it seems as though it goes unnoticed.  However, nothing goes unnoticed by the Lord, and He does not overburden us by this waiting. It is simply that God is wise.  He knows the proper liturgical time for our request and it he will not be a moment sooner or later than perfect.  He does not speak, but one day He will speak.  Today we stand on this side of the Iconostasis waiting for the Bishop and High Priest of our souls to say something and let us know when He intends to raise us up and allow us to enter into His full presence.  We wait on the Lord.  And suddenly He comes, but perhaps not yet to raise us up. And at once, unknown to those unfamiliar with the liturgy He celebrates, He turns, comes from behind the iconostasis and dwells with us forever.  Emmy learned this last night with the answer to her question, and I learned it today in Divine Liturgy.

St. Symeon, following St. Paul, certainly speaks of himself when he confesses: “I know a man who would desire the salvation of his brothers with such ardor… that he would not even wish to enter the kingdom of heaven if in so doing he would have to separate himself from them.

St. Symeon (as quoted in Ages of the Spiritual Life)

Such a passionate lover “does not condemn either sinners or the children of this world… He desires to love and venerate all without any distinction”, for “after God he esteems all men as God himself”.

St. Nilus (Quoted in Ages of the Spiritual Life)

“What is a charitable heart?  It is a heart inflamed with charity for the entire creation, for men, birds, beasts, evil spirits, all creatures… moved by an infinite pity that is awakened in the hearts of those who are like to God.”

St. Isaac the Syrian

(Quoted in Paul Evdokimov’s Ages of the Spiritual Life)